A trip to Marrakech is as far away from a weekend in Bognor Regis as you could get. It's noisy and exciting, has snake charmers and the Sahara is on the doorstep. And you can't say that about anywhere in West Sussex...

Unlike some cities which wear their tourist traps like rosettes on a prize pony, the beauty of Marrakech is more in the everyday rhythm of life on the edge of the Sahara Desert. However, the stunning Koutoubia minaret and Ben Youssef Mosque do draw packs of cameras following little raised flags. So, tumble into a horse-drawn carriage and head to the 12th-century Menara Gardens, about 4km from the centre of town on the Avenue de la Menara. In the hour before they close at 6pm join strolling local lovers among the olive groves and along the edge of the glassy lake.
Among Islamic north Africa, Marrakech breaks all the rules and has a bit of a racy rep - but Ibiza-on-the-desert it isn't. Locals do head for the bars and discos of the Gueliz area, but the real party in Marrakech is under the stars in the vast open space of the Djemaa el Fna. It's a smorgasbord of snake charmers, acrobats, story-tellers from the Atlas mountains, herbalists and strangeness that reminds you that you're not in Guildford any more.
With more Marrakech holidays and weekend breaks than ever, tourist menus are increasing but it's still easy to find an authentic alternative. The lane of eating stalls that runs down from the top of the Djemaa el Fna has been there as long as camel-traders have parked their beasts in the city. It's where the locals often eat and keeping an eye out for what they choose is a green light for a decent supper.
The pick-me-up: If you've rolled out of bed early, coffee and pastries at Pâtisserie des Princes on Rue Bab Agnaou will sort you out.
The shops: Wander the souks or the old Jewish quarter, the Mellah, for jewellery and amazing mounds of spice.
The spa: Head to the 1001 Nuits Hammam & Spa and learn the true meaning of relaxation on your Marrakech break.
The trip: A two-hour taxi-ride to Ourika in the foothills of the High Atlas.
The club: Paradise, at the Mansour Eddahbi Hotel on Boulevard Mohammed VI. It almost lives up to its name.
The museum: Musée de Marrakech, Place Ben Youssef, next to the amazing Ben Youssef Medersa.
The place to be seen: International Film Festival in November at Congress Hall (Coppola and Scorsese went).
The place for people watching: The terrace of the Café de France above the Djemaa el Fna.
Koutoubia Mosque, Rue el Koutoubia/Avenue Mohammed V, Djemaa el Fna; Ben Youssef Medersa, Place Ben Youssef, Medina; Menara Gardens, Avenue de la Menara, Nouvelle Ville; Pâtisserie des Princes, 32 Rue Bab Agnaou, Djemaa el Fna; 1001 Nuits Hammam & Spa, Place Jemaa El Fna - Derb Dabachi 58, +212 (0)24 443079, www.sa-hammam1001nuits.com; Paradise Night Club, Hotel Mansour Eddahbi, Boulevard Mohammed VI, +212 (0)24 339100, www.hotel-mansoureddahbi.com; Musée de Marrakech, Place Ben Youssef, Medina, +212 (0)24 441893, www.museedemarrakech.ma; International Film Festival, +212 (0)24 432493, www.festivalmarrakech.net; Café de France, Place Jemaa el Fna; Le Caspien Hotel, 12 Rue Loubnane;
The snake charmers' cobras look mean but they're fangless and can only lick you to death. Their wild mates are much nastier.
There are some good, strong local wines like Gris de Boulaouane. Go easy though, it's a Muslim country and wearing a traffic cone after a night on the lash isn't a great idea.
If someone hands you a pair of big leather gloves while you watch the winner-stays-on boxing in the Djemaa el Fna, smile and pretend your elderly mother has fallen into a well on the other side of the square.
Yes. First time in the souks you'll pass the same bewildered shopkeeper 17 times.
Morocco has long attracted those needing a bit of spiritual sustenance and watching the sunrise go all Mark Rothko on the Atlas Mountains can bring on a serious dose of self-reflection.
No. Even in winter the temperature rarely falls below 21c and the occasional light shower from November to March doesn't warrant a brolly.
For serious kudos slurp down some snail soup.
Only from Marrakech hotels and decent restaurants, not from street pumps, out of the toilet bowls or puddles.